CHICAGO — Yesterday Alex Jones, host of InfoWars and general national embarrassment, tweeted that Democrats would launch a civil war on July 4th. Needless to say, this was a surprised to most Democrats. However, what makes this good is the reaction.
Jones, of course, got dragged for filth with his initial tweet. But now #SecondCivilWarLetters sent from the frontlines of this fictional war is trending. Here are some of our favorites. We recommend having some sad bluegrass music playing while you read these for the full effect. Look for the one from Private Pence.
We have taken cover in a library for the night. There is absolutely zero fear the MAGATs will discover us. #secondcivilwarletters
— Mommyshark (@hollisearles) July 3, 2018
Our unit is being held as POWs in a Waffle House just outside Raleigh NC. We speak to each other via our heroic code talkers, Jose & Carlos. Fortunately the Red Caps do not seem to understand Spanish. Or irony. Or sarcasm. Or grammar.
— Willow Tremaine (@75Tramislate) July 3, 2018
In advance of our campaign into Bowling Green, we have come across a phenomenon to disarm the MAGAts.
Our unit wears the red hat of the Incel Btl, walk up to them & say “That there is a sweet gun! Can I see it?”
Without fail, they hand them over.#SecondCivilWarLetters
— USMC (@Infantry0300) July 3, 2018
Dearest, Be heartened. Our moral is lifted by fantastic music as we have all of the rhythm & artistic talent on our side. We also have the science, which is helpful for so many reasons. And yet, still, I have seen horrors. The grammar, my god, the grammar. #secondcivilwarletters
— Amanda Deibert 🏳️🌈 (@amandadeibert) July 3, 2018
My dearest Mrs. Snow,
We made good time getting across the frontier of Kekistan. We spotted Pepe leading an Incel regiment. A squadron of Nasty Women surprised them, singing, En Vogue’s “No You’re Never Gonna Get It.”
— 🇺🇸 Jack Snow❄️ #MidtermsBeforeScotus (@jacksnowknows) July 3, 2018
Our mission is completed; we have entered the trailers of the Red Hats and located their sources of “information.” After changing the channel from FOX to the BET, we removed the batteries from their remotes.
— Beverley Dragon (@BeverleyDragon) July 3, 2018
My beloved Harriet —
I write to you with a heavy heart. I was gravely memed during a skirmish with a squad of Incel Irregulars. Doc Tibbens says there’s nothing for it — he will have to amputate my Twitter feed.
Womp womp — Jed. #SecondCivilWarLetters
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) July 3, 2018
Rejoice! The tides have turned as we have managed to shut down their lines of communications by sending in a wave of black people doing ordinary things that they feel compelled to report. Chaos has ensued. The red hats are floundering. #secondcivilwarletters
— TeriSaysWhat (@IamTeriC) July 3, 2018
I was captured behind enemy lines-they treat me well, 3 rations of food a day, I’m required to bunk with very muscular & handsome men, I’m truly not suffering-you mustn’t worry-I’m not sure I’ve ever felt so glorious and free
— (((DuneMyThang™))) (@Kris_Sacrebleu) July 3, 2018
I listen to the news daily to find out if we have won. There have been no tweets from the WH in 3 days.
I am hopeful.#SecondCivilWarLetters
— Susan Ollar (@SusanOllar) July 3, 2018